HARRY POTTER AND THE UNHELPFUL CROW
In the first book, Harry falls into a ditch and spends the rest of the book trying to get out. At one point a crow perches at the edge and stares at Harry for a few minutes before flying off without offering any assistance. Eventually Harry gets out of the ditch by climbing on the back of someone else who has just fallen in a few seconds before.

HARRY POTTER AND THE BASTARD
Harry goes to his new school. The first lesson is Advanced Have You Ever Fallen Into A Ditch. When Harry reveals he did earlier, the teacher picks him up by the neck and hurls him into a bigger and deeper ditch than the one in the previous book. Harry spends the remaining 300 odd pages trying to get out.

HARRY POTTER AND THE RAIN OF MELANCHOLY
Harry continues his efforts to get out of the ditch he was thrown into in the last book. On page 457, it starts to rain and Harry feels sad.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ASTONISHING DISCOVERY
For the first half, Harry is still in the ditch. At page 500 Harry Potter discovers that he has the ablity to levitate, and floats out of the ditch. He then uses his powers to hover outside the bedrooms of young single women and watch them undress, while wanking like a demented monkey.

HARRY POTTER AND THE CONTINUAL SELF-ABUSE
The teacher of Advanced Have You Ever Fallen Into A Ditch at Harry's school spots Harry masturbating outside the window of his niece, and calls the police. The police punish Harry by placing him in a third ditch, even bigger and deeper than the previous one, with wire mesh over the top so he cannot levitate out of it. The rest of the 900-page book involves Harry masturbating while thinking of the teacher's niece.

HARRY POTTER AND THE INABILITY TO THINK OF A PLAN
Harry realises he can't have any more wanks for the moment, and decides to get out of the ditch. He spends some 1500 pages trying but failing to think of a plan.

HARRY POTTER AND THE LAZINESS OF WIRE MESH SECURERS
After a fruitless 2400 pages, Harry realises that the wire mesh has not been secured in any way to the edges of the ditch, and just levitates out, pushing the mesh out of the way. He then floats over to school, and picks up the teacher of Advanced Have You Ever Fallen Into A Ditch by the neck and hurls him into the biggest, deepest ditch yet, where said teacher breaks his neck when landing. Satisfied, Harry starts to float back home, but a rare heart complaint leads to his heart stopping without warning, and he falls dead into another ditch nearby, which is the deepest ditch in the history of ditches.

thanks to Meister Chiddorrfffrf for shitting on my blogfuck